HELP!
I need some parenting advice! I have a teen who LOVES to talk on the phone...past her cut off time of 10 on school nights. We seem to go round and round on this issue. We periodically discuss various rules and make changes as she ages and matures...and learns to adhere to the rules as given. I recently extended her talking curfew on Friday and Saturday nights, but I firmly believe that 10 is late enough on school nights. She knows if there is a special event that if she asks and proves her case..."Momma I know calling past 10 will not disturb her family and I really want to tell her what happened today, please can I have 10 minutes" .... I usually allow it. She has always been a great kid...the kind that you tell ONCE in her lifetime do not jump on the bed (or whatever) and she never ever does it again...until the teen years hit. Other than housework or lack of really, the phone is the biggest issue we have.
To ground a kid from their cell phone (all we had until recently) is quite an inconvenience for parents. We either take it away completely and then have an issue keeping up with them or allow them to keep it and only call us. Neither option is good. To take it away totally means we cannot call them when we need them (this is a bigger issue for a single working mom like me than one that picks up their teens from school and chauffer them to and from work and sporting events). In the past I have chosen the second option to allow her to keep the phone but only call me or answer my calls. This seems to me similar to dangling candy in front of a small child and expecting them not to eat, but it was the option I chose.
I have tried to go really soft with minimal grounding time, I have left the time period open ended and lifted the grounding when I saw an attitude change, and I have grounded her for a day for every minute over curfew. She knew when I went soft if that solution did not work the next punishment would be a day of no phone for every minute past curfew. She went 40 minutes past curfew within a few weeks. After 40 days of no phone she got her full privileges back 2 weeks ago. Last night she was on the phone til 10:25. Since she has been old enough to write, part of her punishment for any wrong doing has been to write a paper including: what rule was broken; what she was thinking at the time; why she did it; how will she correct the issue; what does she think is a fair punishment; and whatever else I think of just to add a little more PAIN to the paper writing process. She hates this part of the punishment as much or more than the grounding or whatever.
Nothing seems to be helping. Should I expect a change or just..ride the ride going thru the circle of crime and punishment hoping the lesson is being learned even if there is no immediate change in behavior?
I question myself on all issues especially this one wondering if it is just a normal part of the teen years or is it an unrealistic rule. Some I had to change or get rid of all together after through reevaluation but this one I think is a good one as is. To me there is more for her to learn here than just when to get off the phone. It is self discipline, following rules you do not like, and planning ahead to be sure that commitments (curfews) are met. She has always been mature for her age and usually I can appeal to her mentally. She agrees with the other house rules, so this one is unlike the others and cannot be punished the same. It really is more than just phone use.
I would like some advice, even if you don't have teens what do you remember from your own teen years that might be helpful?
posted by Simple Kim @ 10:42 AM
1 Comments:
I'm coming here, after you left a comment on my post on the teenagers who got into trouble. We raised three kids. I believe kids will push the boundaries, whatever you set, as a natural way to see how far they can go. With your daughter it happens to be the phone. I think you may want to sit down with her and ask why she continues to go past her curfew. I would also think through if you feel firmly that 10 pm is late enough. Then don't play the odds with her. The rule is the rule is the rule. If half the time youre giving in, then thats 50/50 odds and everyone would play the lottery if that was the odds. Even if you give in 1 in 10 - you get my drift here. What I see is either lack of discipline on her part, or typical teen behavior - what can I get away with, or lack of respect for you, which is a lack of respect for authority. If she doesnt have that firmly in place before she leaves your home she will run into all sorts of problems. I'd talk with her, let her know you see her running over on minutes as a lack of respect for your authority, tell her the time is whatever you decide, then ground the daylights out of her when she goes over. The entire point of grounding is to make them miserable enough they dont want to repeat the action, not just mildly inconvenienced. If you disciplined her in other ways besides the phone privileges being removed, it might be interesting to see if her behavior changed. Hope my input helps.
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