Anger and God's timing

Since my last post, my Grandmother passed away. She was diagnosed with cancer in the spring at age 89. She tried chemo and radiation but they seemed to only tire her out without providing any benefits. By the middle of summer she and the doc agreed coming in to visit was also tiring her out and not doing any good so the decision was made to have hospice come out to the house to check on her.

She came to live with my mom years earlier so that we could take care of her. My mom was always by her side nursing her doing everything for her, even the middle of the night trips to the bathroom. As she continued to get worse my mother was given instructions on how to keep her comfortable. I got the news on Saturday morning while I was at work that she was no longer able to speak and respond to the family. The night before she was talking and just herself. I thought I might die from the news. By the time I got to her the wonderful hospice nurse had been by and advised that we were in the last hours and that she must have suffered a stroke in the night.

I gave myself a good talking-to on the way over there. I thought I knew what to expect and that I needed to be strong and put together for my mom and sisters. Never before have I been more wrong. My first image walking in the door was my 3 year old pleading with my grandmother..."Please Mama I talk to me". My heart just broke.

I quickly made arrangements for Savanna to stay with one of my friends from work so that I could stay overnight and be with my mom and sisters. The night was bad and hard...but Sunday morning was much worse. Her breathing was very labored and she was moaning. We could only assume that she was in pain. What a horrible feeling that was. Our only responsibility was to keep her comfortable and we seemed to be doing a poor job of it. We lost all hope of recovery. I prayed more intensely than ever...that God would take her home. He didn't, she continued to suffer for what seemed like an eternity, and I got angry. I have never understood when people have said they were 'mad at God'...now I do. I am not proud of it but I write it because I have learned so much from it.

By late morning her breathing was calmer and the moans stopped and, most of the great-grandkids and starting coming in to say good-bye.

By evening everyone was heading back to the metroplex to get ready for the next workweek...and just wait for the news. All the great-grands left and I left to take Bri to church. One sister was to stay with my mom and the other 2 were leaving. Just as they began to leave...literally walking to the door...Mama's breathing became labored and the moaning came again. After I dropped of Bri and was in the driveway of my friend to pick up Savanna my sisters called and said I needed to come back quickly. I pulled back out of the drive way and when I got to my moms she was gone.

It was several days later when going over all the past week's events that I remembered being angry at God. I quickly realized how amazing God's perfect timing really is. At the time the suffering was never ending, afterward I was able to see how God timed everything exactly right. My mom and sisters were there with her but the kids and I had just left. It wasn't apparent immediately but my absence was also well planned...it allowed me to remain strong later. The exact second that he chose was perfect. I now realize that I should not have judged others harshly when they were angry with God. I see things from a new perspective now.